'Swagga' Like My Pops - A Fathers Impact
- Topic:
Relationships
- Article By:
Reuben
- Photo:
Copyright The FlyDuo
Father to Father...
Man is it pourin' out–side again today. This rain is crazy. This has been one wack summer so far. Probably global warming. I miss when I was a kid and summer was summer, warm, sunny and so hot. Not like that anymore in the North East recently.
What's that got to do with this article about a black father and his sons. Not much I guess, but the weather did play a part in why I did some of the reading I did today, which in turn lead to my writing this article...
I was just watching some videos and reading some articles on Being Black in America. They're all related in some way or another to the series Being Black in America that's going to be running on CNN in July. A few of the videos really stood out to me...
One in particular was that of D.L. Hughley. Hughley talks a little about his father and mentions his personal experiences growing up and how he would like to be a better father than what he experienced.
As I watched the video I could not help but to recount my own childhood, but at the same time I did not have to lament over the reality that many black men and women do, that of not having a father to set a positive example for them in their lives.
I was blessed to have had my father in my life, and he is still in my life now. He offers advice when asked, and support when needed. My father for me has been an example to look up–to and I've even to a degree modeled some of my life after his example.
My father taught me love of family, how to work hard: to say he is a hard worker is an understatement; like sayin' water's wet, or the ocean's big. My father WORKS. He worked all my life, like, well, like our ancestors the slaves did. He taught me the value of not only working hard, but of the satisfaction that comes from doing a good job whether your rewarded appropriately for it or not. Some of my earliest memories are of waiting for my dad to come home after a hard days work to play with me and my brothers and sisters.
Swagga' Like My Pops
Strangely enough, my dad may have even have had an influence on my swagga'. I can recall tryin' to be just like him as a young boy, especially when we would attend religious services. I'd get all dressed up and try and wear my hat just like he did. Think T.I. and how he wears his hat, except my dad's from the old school generation when the black service men used to cock it to the side and rock that look hard. I'd walk up into the service tryin' to rock my look the way I saw him do it, especially in some of the old pictures we had of him from his younger days. Now-awadays I don't necessarily take fashion tips from my father, but it's his fearless attitude that I'm rockin' now: No matter what I'm gonna be me and I'm gonna be black and proud.
A Lesson Learned
Unfortunately, another lesson I learned from my father was about the absence of work and of what that can do to a man and his family. I remember going with my father to the unemployment office during the recession in the eighties, and a lot of the stress that went with it. I can relate to the stress and indignities he must have endured, waiting in those long lines only to be treated less than kindly in order to get his well earned compensation after years of faithful service to his employers. I know that today too, many of our men and women are facing these same struggles to provide for themselves and their families, no matter what that family structure may be. The harsh reality that comes with dealing with the criminalization of your situation, being poor or unemployed.
In my opinion it's only been until recently, when the mainstream is effected by the lousy economy and the pressures it brings that you see any change in the way the unfortunate are represented in media and the conversations of many in the mainstream. The poor and disadvantaged are maligned and represented as being lazy, good–for–nothing and getting what they deserve. Well what excuse does everyone else have?
It's sad what this vulnerable segment of the population has to endure on a regular basis. I can relate. I can recall also when I was first married many years ago. My new bride and I fell on hard times, followed by an extended term of severe illness and loss of employment. Everything seemed to just come crumbling down after that. But, thankfully I had the best of good women by my side and we made it through. But, the lessons we learned and the experiences and challenges we had to overcome have shaped us forever. It can be tough to recall finally breaking down and applying for food stamps for the first time, feeling as though I had failed as a husband and I had barely just gotten started. The feelings of anger and shame that come with being mistreated by the callous, often times bigoted workers at many of these agencies... If you've never had to endure it, it aint easy.
We Too Shall Overcome
But, as many of our urban brothers and sisters do, we overcame. We also, got stronger as a couple and as a family. This I think in part I also owe to my father and mother as well. Unlike the ignorant stereotypes of black males and females, my parents had and still have a great love for each other and their children. They have stayed together for many decades and loved each other no matter what has come their way. My father set a good example for me and my brothers of how to be an honorable man, husband and father. I watched him closely as he treated my mother with love and respect. No he wasn't perfect, but he tried. And I think that's what really came through to me... to make the effort.
My father did his best to provide for our family and that included making some really tough decisions I've only now come to appreciate. When I was really young he and my mom decided to relocate our family to a northern suburb. This is where I grew up. It was mostly white, and I mean mostly white. We were one of the I think 3 black families that lived in the entire community and surrounding area. At times it was extremely tough growing up out there. We dealt with the usual crap, bigotry, racism and prejudice that you'd expect, mixed with a fare share of experiences that you might not expect if you've never lived it before.
With my own wife, I try to follow a similar approach, I try the best I can, to love her and treat her with respect and honor. I am hopelessly in love with her and I try and show her that all the time, especially cause you never know what your future will be. I could die tomorrow. My son is the man, my little homie and I want him to know how much he means to me. How much of a joy it is to be his dad. I try to set the best example for him that I can, and I know it doesn't matter how much or how little money we may have at any given moment, cause our time together in the end will mean much more than anything that I could ever give him materially. I try to give him love and a good head full of useful knowledge, and I know that it is with these things that he can accomplish miracles.
I've Been There
When Pixie and I say that this website comes from a very unique perspective, we believe that we've earned the right to say that. We've lived a very diverse life experience between the two of us. In the earlier part of my young life the majority of my closest friends were all white. Except for my immediate family I had very few black friends that I can recall. This I think, put me in a position to be able to empathize with others who have lived a life of being singled out for one reason or another. I've dealt with all of the usual things that someone deals with when they grow up black/urban in a predominately white and middle class area. From threats of physical harm, to psychological attacks on my blackness. My use as a child and young person of African American Vernacular English was attempted to be forced out of me by one means or another while in my formative years in school. The insults that were hurled at me and my family members, my mom and sisters especially for being bigger than the other young ladies and mothers in the area - was a particularly difficult experience for me – I could only imagine how hard it must have been for them.
As a youth I was chastised a lot in one form or another for the "peculiarities" of my culture. Being the only black person in the area I started to believe what people were saying about people like us. Whether it was my supposed friends saying stupid ignorant crap about black people being un–attractive, etc., or teachers treating us (me and my siblings) as if we were less intelligent than our Caucasian coutner-parts, or the occasional out-right racist remarks from class-mates, adults, or people in authority, I eventually learned to traverse this new landscape and to excel at shape-shifting and morphing when necessary from black to bourgeoisie and back again.
In my later years I finally came to realize that that was unnecessary and that I could be whatever I wanted to be and be proud of my culture and heritage. I stopped shifting and morphing and just started to be "me" and adapting when absolutely necessary.
Blessings Come From Adversity
From all of the difficulties that came out of those experiences, I did come away with some tremendously positive things – most notably my wife. She's the epitome of the good wife. She may not share my ethnic heritage but, most importantly she is part of and shares my cultural heritage. She is smart, loving, fun, patient, understanding, and not to mention Hot & SEXY as all get–out, and the best of best friends I could have ever of hoped to have been blessed to have as my wife. Also as I alluded to earlier, I am blessed with a good, no, great son as a result of the above. And I don't want to forget a lot of good and supportive friends (from many different ethnicities, and cultures) now and along the way from youth into adult–hood. I received a good education as well as a life lesson in the importance of diversity, tolerance and respect. I try and take these life lessons with me into every situation I approach. I realize that it doesn't matter what color you are, we all share similarities and we all have differences because of cultural heritage. These things should be celebrated, not disrespected and certainly not used as a means of dividing us.
For all of this and more, I owe my father, my mother, and most recently my wife, my deepest gratitude in helping to shape me into becoming the man that I am today.
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