“Stop worrying about being their friends and be their parents!" - Fact, Fiction, or Opinion?
- Topic:
Parents & Children
- Article By:
Sherri
- Photo:
Okay, so we are finally gonna talk about it... can we be both a parent and a friend to our kids? ...And if we are friends with our kids can we still maintain parental authority when needed?
This is not only something I've been thinking about recently in preparation for this article, but have probably thought about since the day my son was born fourteen years ago.
I've put the question out there on both Twitter as well as Facebook and was surprised that I didn't get much response at all. I think society tells us flat out that as parents we need to “Stop worrying about being their friends and be their parents!” So maybe people are afraid of being judged for their answer or maybe people really just do not know?
As the mother of a fourteen year old, and as a daughter who grew up pretty close to her own mother, I have my own thoughts on the matter, but would also love to hear what you have to say, so please do share your thoughts below.
I personally think that yes we can be a parent and a friend to our kids, but to a point. I think ultimately we as parents do want our children to “like” us and to some extent think that we are cool yes, but more importantly we want for them to trust us. The kind of trust that makes them feel comfortable talking to us about important issues, and to turn to us when they or their friends might be in trouble – or headed toward trouble.
If we don't get close enough to them for them to be able to see us as anything more than a parent, how will they ever trust us in that way? If they don't hear from us directly about what we've been through in our lives, especially the things that they too are going through or will go through, how can we expect them to open up to us? To ask us those important questions?
Think about your own relationship with your parents... if you didn't think they would, or weren't sure if they could, understand something you were going through, did you talk to them about it? ...If I were a betting woman I'd bet that the things you opened up to your parents about were the things they opened up to you about, am I right?
As a little girl, and even as a teenager I was pretty close to my mom. I would even goe so far as to say we were friends. And I loved that. Because we did spend a lot of time together laughing, playing, shopping, etc we also talked a lot. And because she did open up to me about some of the things that she went through growing up I did trust her more. I felt safe with her, and I felt like she really cared about what I was going through. She never had the attitude that it was just another one of those “teenage” things. She took me and my issues seriously, even if they were really only serious to me. She tried to relate to me as a friend, and I always felt like she genuinely cared about what I was going through, and it meant the world to me. However, as close as we were there were still things that I didn't talk to my mom about. Things I didn't think she would understand I did keep to myself, and dealt with on my own.
I truly believe that if we want our kids to feel comfortable with us they need to feel like we can relate to them. And to me that means spending time with them doing the things they like to do (and genuinely having fun doing it), sharing things you like to do with them (introduce them to new things, maybe things you enjoyed when you were their age), and to talk to them.
Don't just have “the talk” with them, but continue to talk to them and on their level, as a friend who understands, because in most cases we probably will understand. And when we don't, let them know. Be honest. Tell them you've never been through such and such, and that you wish you could tell them how to handle the situation. But don't stop there. Give them helpful suggestions as to how they might handle the situation, and then leave it up to them to take care of it (depending on the situation of course). Just knowing they're not alone, and that they can talk to you (someone grown, more experienced, and who has their best interest at heart) about it is often times enough to help them make much smarter decisions on their own.
Is there a balance?
Where we get ourselves into trouble as parents is when we care more about our kids liking us (and not hating us) than we do about their best interest - and vise versa. When we care more about them being perfect, and doing everything right than we care about and realize that they are inexperienced young people who have the very same feelings and emotions that we did when we were their age, and that like it or not they are gonna make some mistakes.
The thing to remember is that if we aren't careful our kids can easily take our friendship for granted and use it to their advantage. And if we let them do it, it can be extremely difficult to regain that parental authority. But at the same time, if we don't let our kids in, and they can't in any way relate to us, we risk losing their trust, and the opportunity to be a safe haven for them.
I speak from experience when I say that it is very easy to blur the line. In our house I tend to be the one who is more the friend than the parent, and Reuben tends to be more the parent than the friend. Because I watch how my son responds to the both of us, I can really see how there are advantages to both, but even more so that there needs to be a balance of the two. ...I try every day to be more balanced, to make sure that not only is he comfortable with me, but that he also knows that if he steps out of line there will be consequences, but it isn't easy, it's a daily struggle.
Thankfully together, Reuben and I are very balanced, but it makes me truly feel for the single parents who've got to make sure they got the balance down perfectly. To be able to be the friend and the disciplinarian all in one.
I'd like to send an extra special shout out to those of you who are dealin' with the struggle right now as I do not envy you. Please know and always remember that your efforts are never in vain. All the effort that you are putting into your relationship with your kids now will not only effect their present, but will also have an effect on the relationship they have with their own kids (your grandchildren) in the future!
So... can we be a parent and a friend to our kids?
I personally think it's important for us to try and be both, yes. But, if you find in your home that it's got to be one or the other – go for the parent, the friendship part will come later. It's better that they hate you now for not allowing girls in the house when you aren't there, than for them to blame you later for the baby that was conceived in your home, while you were away! ;)
What do you think about the statement, "Stop worrying about being their friends and be their parents!” ...Fact, Fiction, or Opionion?
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