Black Men & White Women - Jill Scott on Why It Still Hurts
- Topic:
MIXED RACE COUPLES
- Article By:
Sherri
- Photo:
Essence Magazine
After reading Jill Scott's I'm Just Sayin' piece entitled, The Wince in the April issue of Essence Magazine, I felt I needed to respond.
The piece is about the feelings that a lot of black woman get when they see a "fine, accomplished brother" with a White woman...
She talks about how through history White, or Caucasian women have always been placed on a pedestal. How they are seen as the standard of beauty in this county, and at the same time, how Black women have been viewed as "ugly, nappy mammies, good for day work and unwanted children."
"Black women and Black men have struggled together, mourned together, starved together..." So to see a seemingly successful Black man with a White woman and their family is a feeling of "betrayed," says Jill, "it's frustrating and it hurts."
"I FELT IT YET AGAIN, THAT NAGGING FEELING OF GUILT FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH WHAT OFTEN TIMES FEELS LIKE ...SOMEONE ELSE'S MAN."
It should come as no surprise then, that as a White woman married to a wonderful Black man, that I felt it yet again, that nagging feeling of guilt for falling in love with what often times feels like ...someone else's man. I can't help but to feel that way knowing that that is how a lot of Black woman look at me when I am with him. So, after reading the piece I felt that I wanted to share a little bit of our story with you, a story that isn't unique to just my husband and I, but a story that is shared by many interracial couples.
For us it was more than just the fact that people of all races find genuine love in different places... My husband was born into a rough urban area, and at an early age his parents moved his entire family as far away from there as they could. As a result, he was brought up in an all White area for most of his youth, during which time, other than his immediate family, and the occasional visit from relatives, he had no real connection with Black culture, let alone Black girls or woman.
"...HE DIDN'T FEEL THE SAME BOND WITH THEM THAT HE HAD FELT WITH THE WHITE GIRLS HE HAD GROWN UP WITH..."
Being raised primarily around White girls and White woman, at an early age he understandably developed an attraction to them, an attraction that over time developed into a more specific attraction, to a more specific type of White girl. In his teen years he widened out beyond his small town and inevitably spent more and more time visiting different places, and getting to know different people. During that time he ultimately did end up meeting and getting to know other beautiful Black girls, but he not only didn't feel the same bond with them that he had felt with the White girls he had befriended, but he also felt culturally that he had more in common with the White girls then he did with the Black girls.
In his case, even with a preference toward a certain kind of White woman, he did not consciously choose a White woman over a Black woman, he just happened to meet me (the rare breed that he's into), and fell in love. In case you haven't already noticed, I am not the typical White girl. And I myself did not go looking for a Black man, although I have been severely attracted to Black guys since the eighth grade when my family moved from a small White town to a small multicultural city where I met my first love, who just so happens to be a Black guy. I was immediately attracted to him, and have been into Black guys ever since! I was exposed to something new, and I liked it, a lot!
"AT THE TIME I WAS NEW TO THE TABOO SUBJECT OF "INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS..."
And contrary to what's often thought of most White woman who choose to date Black guys, I was not rebelling. Rebelling against what? My parents didn't care. And at the time I was new to the taboo subject of "interracial relationships." I just thought he (my first boyfriend) was beautiful, and I liked him a lot. And although I now had a preference of my own (urban and brown skinned), I still dated a couple of (urban) White guys before I met and settled down with my husband.
...But he was a "successful brotha" right? He had a good job, nice apartment, and a nice car, and spoiled you rotten right? ...Wrong. My husband and I have been happily married for over 14 years, and we have been through EVERYTHING together, ...everything but riches that is! (That's a goal we are workin' on together.) ...Not all Black men worth approaching are going to be "successful" when you first meet them, but that doesn't mean they aren't worth giving a chance. So much is expected of our men in general, but what Black men have to go through to get ahead is really more than we often give them credit for.
"NOT ALL BLACK MEN CHOOSE TO BE WITH A WHITE WOMAN SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE'S WHITE."
I guess what I ultimately want for Black woman to take from this, is that not all Black men choose to be with a White woman simply because she's White. Yes, there are Black men who feel a White woman is a trophy and a prize, but there are also Black men who choose White woman because they are genuinely attracted to them, and fall genuinely in love. And realize too, that just as with my husband and I, a persons rearing and the environment in which they grow up in also plays a role in who they may choose as a mate.
I can assure you, that as a little girl I never envisioned my future self married to a Black man, but how could I have, I didn't even know one until I was 12 years old! If I had never moved out of my small White suburban town, who knows who I would have ended up with? And if my husband had been raised in a Black or even a multicultural neighborhood, who knows who he would have ended up with?
"MARRYING OUTSIDE OF ONE'S RACE DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN YOU ABANDON YOUR CULTURE."
I am not saying that Jill shouldn't have said what she said, or that she's wrong for feeling how she does. She was simply expressing a reality that is often felt by herself and a lot of other Black women. But I do feel that people who choose to be with someone outside of their own race shouldn't have to carry the guilt that they often feel either. We like what we like, and we love who we love. Why should it matter if we date or marry outside of our own cultures? We are all God's children ...we are all people! And marrying outside of one's race doesn't necessarily mean you abandon your culture either. Since my husband and I have been married, we have moved to a small city where he has developed a greater confidence in drawing closer to his own culture than at any other time in his life, he's developed a pride that he had never felt before, and he/we are determined to give the same confidence and pride to our son as well.
"CELEBRATE LOVE, IT'S THE ONE THING WE ALL HAVE IN COMMON!"
So, open your hearts and your minds, and celebrate love, it's the one thing we all have in common! And be open minded, love may just come knocking when, and where you least expect it!
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